I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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