Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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