just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
We don't watch enough power rangers
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize