my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
