the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
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