Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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