Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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