If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
