my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Randomize
