Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
