Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
