his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Randomize