Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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