Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
