is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
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