I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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