if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
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