He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Randomize