there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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