LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
