Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
