I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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