Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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