this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
