Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
