So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Randomize
