After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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