my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
