I heard we made out
I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Randomize
