If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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