i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
