Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
