Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
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