I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
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