i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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