i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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