im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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