Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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