is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
