You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
