3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
