U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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