dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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