I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Randomize
