Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Randomize
