wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I still have a little drunk in my system
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
