i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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