i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
