I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I need to stop coming to work sober
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
