I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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