this beer tastes like vomit already
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Randomize
