New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Randomize
