I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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