best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
