drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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